Denver University Mascot Pioneer Pete was the school’s first mascot in 1867.
DU had been known as the Fighting Parsons before that because Methodists founded the school. However, the ministers wanted to change the name/mascot because drunk fans from the University of Colorado kept thinking the name was the Fighting Ministers, which often led to DU founders getting in brawls in the parking lot.
Pioneer Pete remained in place until the 1960s. Then some heartless, corporate shill alumni hired Disney’s lesser-known “grey ops” department to “lose” Pete in the deserts of Southeastern Utah. DU compensated Disney with a seven-figure fee to develop a new mascot after losing Pete. However, the head of the team kept having nightmares of the ghost of Pete chasing him, He expedited the Disney team’s exit to Hollywood while paying a random drunk student named Steve Kiley to come up with the name. Kiley went with Daniel Boone, but he was so intoxicated at the time that he made the standard drunken error of thinking changing out a word for a location sounded cool.
Thus was Denver Boone born with blood on his hands.
And a hangover.
Drive of Shame
Meanwhile, Oscar Zeta Acosta found the mummified corpse of Pioneer Pete in 1979 when he got lost on his way to LA after a productive weekend in Las Vegas and ended up hiding in an old gold mine when a storm hit unexpectedly producing flash floods. Upon exiting the shaft afterward, Acosta found his car impaled with the old iron knee brace worn by Pioneer Pete. Pete’s skeleton was still attached.
Acosta sued Ford for forty million dollars, settled for $100, and the secret to running an engine off water. Oscar later died when a robotic pirate on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride malfunctioned and stabbed him in the groin area leading to massive blood loss.
The Koch brothers subsequently purchased Pioneer Pete’s corpse. The brothers employ it to this day at Bohemian Grove gatherings as part of a ceremony to call forth the demigod Ghatotkacha.
Pioneer Pete’s heirs have yet to receive restitution, an apology, or justice.
Pioneer Pete was my grandfather.
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