Laugh at yourself, and the world laughs with you. Well, sometimes. In the case of NHL teams, funny hockey jokes sometimes just write themselves – looking at you Ottawa. Following are the funniest ones the Deke knows, including a few dirty hockey jokes. Don’t get too offended if your team is the butt of a joke, you can always substitute in the name of your rival team.
TJ Oshie wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.
He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside, he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat, and the bill comes to $7.77.
The man thinks “Hmmm…my number is 77 and I’m seeing all these sevens… I think the universe is trying to tell me something.”
So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, Oshie cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh racehorse #7 is called “Lucky Universe.”
The man can’t believe it.
He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.
The horse comes in seventh.
Two Bruins conspiracy theorists die and end up at the pearly gates. Jesus is standing there with Saint Peter and greets the two.
“My sons! Welcome to Heaven. You may ask me any question you like.”
“Why didn’t the refs call a penalty on Tyler Bozak tripping Noel Acciara in Game 5?”
“It was a judgment call,” says Jesus.
The conspiracy theorists are shocked and look at each other before both simultaneously say,
“This goes higher than we thought.”
How are the Anaheim Ducks and the Titanic alike?
They both look good until they hit the ice.
Kyle Dubas asked his secretary if he could have a little peace and quiet while he worked on the Leafs cap situation.
So she took the battery out of the smoke alarm in his office.
How do you handle Claude Giroux when he gets angry?
[When it comes to hockey jokes, this is a personal favorite.]
The NHL season is just around the corner, so Dustin Byfuglien decides he better start getting in shape and calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10-pound weight loss program.
The next day, there’s a knock on the door, and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought, the Byfug takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days, and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door, and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me, you can have me.” Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape, and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 pounds as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it, he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, your mine.”
Dustin lost 63 pounds that week and won the Norris that season.
What’s the difference between Sidney Crosby and a hippie chick?
Crosby takes a shower after three periods.
What did Brad Marchand get when he mixed animal DNA and human DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
Ten reasons why hockey is better than women
- In hockey, everyone likes it rough.
- You only get 5 minutes for fighting.
- Puck is not a dirty word.
- You don’t have to play in the neutral zone.
- It is possible to score a few times a night.
- When you “pull the goalie,” nobody gets pregnant.
- Missing teeth don’t stop you from scoring.
- You can always get new wood if your stick breaks.
- The Zamboni cleans up your mess.
- Periods last twenty minutes!
My son is playing hockey for the Nashville peewee team.
GO CHILD PREDATORS!!!
A guy at a bar looked depressed and was staring at his drink.
Then, Milan Lucic walks up to the bar, takes the drink from the guy, and pounds it down.
The depressed man starts crying.
Lucic says, “Come on, man, I was joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and got to my office late. My boss then fired me. When I left, I discovered my car was stolen from the parking lot. I got a cab home but found my wife in bed with the gardener.
“Jesus,” says Lucic.
“Oh, it gets worse. Here I was about to have my last drink after dropping cyanide in it, and some asshole walked up and drank it.”
What do you call the sweat created during an act of intimacy between two Oilers fans?
And a non-hockey joke to finish it off…
I need everyone to wish me luck.
I have a meeting at the bank later and, if all goes well, I will be out of debt.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.
Hope you enjoyed the hockey jokes,
You might also get a laugh out of the Deke’s other mad ramblings: